Here I float, in a world I wish for no human. A world where one disappears, and my existence matters to no one! They all abuse my mind, body, and soul. I don’t even recognize who I am or who I have become. In this new world, a 24-hour day feels like a week, a week feels like months, and months feels like years. They understood how to physiologically break me down both, physically and mentally. They saw my fragile and vulnerable spirit. It took them minutes to lure me and in a short time, I was in a position where they overpowered me into submission and control because of the harmful acts that occurred to me as a child leading me to believe that sexual harm, abuse, and pain equates to love.

 

With each rape, my soul dissipates. With each beating, my body withers until I have lost my entire identity and hope has vanished. It’s hard for me to imagine that this is my purpose, this is why I was born, to serve others with my body against my will. A will I can no longer hold onto. A will long gone into the body of those who took it from me. They now all carry me with them and pass me onto others who became victims of the same fate. I can’t imagine how many souls these men have taken and now carry inside. I now live among others in a place where life has no meaning and I am forced to spread my legs throughout the world. Parts of me exist in every man who leaves me for dead. How are they able to strip me of my existence by raping and beating me at the same time? How are they able to inject me with their seaman leaving traces of their violation for me to see? There are endless questions I have no answers for.

 

I once decided to glance out of despair into the eyes of my abuser trying to connect hoping he can see some good I couldn’t no longer feel. All I saw was a reflection of the dark world I was living in along with his desires and will to pound the existence out of me. Every time I think that I have experienced the worst, someone comes in and takes me to a darker and lower level. The world of captivity and abuse is the darkness world I have ever known and lived in.

 

I will surely stop existing and die soon enough from all the abuse. If not, I hope to die so that I no longer sink deeper into this bottomless pit where I reside. I never stop sinking. I don’t even have the strength to take my life but pray that someone would.

 

With no fault of my own, I became a victim of my surrounding circumstances, trying to find a way out. I did not choose to be trafficked. I did not go to class and raise my hand and say, “I wish to be trafficked when I grow up.”

 

In a split second from out of nowhere, God rescued me from the abyss of this darkness I lived in. There are no words to describe the moment when I felt his existence in me, his strength, his wisdom, his insight to where my life was heading, but most of all, his love. It’s a love that we as humans are incapable of generating, not even me, a mother of two children with the gift of bringing life into this world before ending up in this darkness.

 

I now have the strength to fight my way out and rebuild, re-enter, and redefine my life with meaning and purpose. I will survive, I will make it out and move forward understanding I am one of the few who ever see the day of light from this evil and dark world of Human Sex Trafficking. 

 

I now have to start loving and forgiving myself if I am to move on and be able to love others.

 

I have been shown that my life matters, that I exist, and others can see me. That I alone have the will and drive with God's love as my foundation to thrive and make a difference in the lives of others. I now understand my existence and purpose.

 

I may have not been loved by those that mattered to me in this world, but I am loved by God.